when all i want to do is write, and when all i don’t do is to write.

I feel the time flying by, I feel it in me and I feel it in everything around me, I feel the days that slowly set in and set out. Yet there is a sullen stillness that stubbornly stands on a standby mode. All I aspire to do is fill it in with stories. Mine and everyone’s

The stories seem to be the last resort in my inventory. And i feel like my inventory has emptied out itself. Where did it empty into? why did it empty itself?

I wish, I knew where this writing takes me. I wonder at times, the reluctance in me, that lets me never write anything for a long while. May be. It is me. I don’t want to write or I don’t want to commit to writing. I had sincerely held a belief that writing comes from a need, a desperate need. And to write, one needs to read. Am I reading? Yes. I read, I read grudgingly, unwillingly for classes. I read irritably the assignments that i need to evaluate. I read, for classes, I read for seminars, talks, I read for research, i read to supposedly write research articles. I read. But i don’t read.

I finished The Silent Spring by Rachel Carson, I read Seeing Like a State: How Certain Schemes to Improve the Human Condition Have Failed by James C. Scott. Why did I read them? Because i Wanted to read them for classes. It helped. But I read not for me. The fundamental joy in doing things is when you do it for yourself and for yourself alone. I guess as one grows into adults, Life sucks that joy out of you. Every thing seems like an obligation. You do it, as you are bound to do it. It ought to be done. It needs to be done. Someone wants it done. It is time, it is done. I wanted to write, and here i am instead whining away. May be I wanted to write so that I can whine, May be i don’t whine enough, hence i struggle with writing. May be writing is an also an act of whining.

This is just an act of beginning. A beginning into writing again. A new beginning for a beginning. For all those chores that needs to be done in an adult life. I remember. so it is a reminder to write,

A reminder to keep writing. A reminder to remind, that I write,

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