Category: Life

“Like a museum devoted to an absence.”

It’s been almost forty hours since I last slept, the house is in a mess, things strewn around and cupboards all emptied of its contents, pieces of papers lying around. I have checked into the pages of every book, note book and dairies I have ever owned or written in. I frantically flip through the pages, searching for a word, a phrase, a doodle or a code word into which I had once etched and emptied a memory into. A memory of a life-time; love, friendship, devotion, obsession, crush, puppy-love, fondness and affection that crept into me slowly yet slyly, when I was a teen.
 
A soothing calmness embraces my soul as I think of him.
 
I remember that winter when I first met him; a boring evening at a cousin’s home, where we gathered for a Christmas carol practice. To be honest, I don’t have a memory-picture of him.  I was hardly thirteen and he was twenty five/twenty six, yet what I remember distinctly was how he and S were holding hands all the time when they were seated among us. All we did was chuckle and giggle whenever they looked at us, smiling. Probably I believe that was my first ever idea or imagination of what it would be, to be in love. I was naive then and much more naiver now.
 
And it happened that there was always a whooshing of silences and whispers each time, as one of them would walk into the room. It was a common knowledge among us children, that they were in love and were betrothed to each other; a word that I fancied a lot, all through my adolescence. He was at once; this brother, a friend, a partner in crime, a joker, a merry-maker, a charming young man for all the mothers there and to my horror, my first ever adolescent crush. 

I knew deep inside me that I will not and cannot love him as how S loved him.  Yet my fondness grew aplenty, platonically. He made me grow into the person that I always wanted to. He taught me; how to dribble a ball, climb, swim, trek, to whistle with fingers, tie a sailor’s knot in ropes and Windsor’s knot and seventeen other ways to tie a necktie, something that my children adore in me now.
 
Three decades of life passed by; turning me forty five, yet I am that wistful teen still, when his memory crawls into me unaware, as I read this phrase, “Like a museum devoted to an absence.” from the book, After the Crash. My life came crashing down to a stand-still, lost in an abyss of over-whelming desire to know what happened to him after he disappeared from our lives. we all knew what happened to S after two years. A story that cannot be simply summed up in a few sentences and yet it is something that we all learned to live through. 
 
I feel closer to the memory of my fifteen year old-summer as I close my eyes. I feel the years begin to fade in reverse, blurring my memories, yet reminding me of that ephemeral moment of innocence. That afternoon when a few dozen people walked back from the church after the service, I saw him walk aimlessly along the fence. Leila was tagging along him, with such sadness in her eyes that could only worsen his loss. I saw him, crumble down and lean onto the wall as Leila went and sat between his legs and started to lick his face. He hugged her and kissed her head and broke down, sobbing into her. I watched him from distance and knew for sure then; that I loved him more for what he has been to S in all those years.
 
Jeevs! I wish you are somewhere safe; tears in my eyes and hands folded in prayer, I send a wishful thought to heaven, that you found/made peace, for I never made mine knowing that you left us. I am a teacher and a parent now; I wishfully look at all my high school kids and wish you were one of them.
 

And, as I always remember being the youngest and only daughter, how it was to be treated a-bullied-yet-the-princess of the world by my brothers. I wish my two daughters would stop constantly picking on their brother and leave him to grow up like, the memory of mine-You.


My Domestic-Existential Blues

     

              Life… sigh.. Became unstoppably an un-happening affair. My one and a half year stint of life in Shillong, the Scotland of East did let me learn and unlearn a lot of things. The idle town/city, where I spent a considerable portion of the nights in my life awake and half asleep, woken up to an earthquake, wade my way through its charm and closeted streets; yet it stops me often to raise an important existential question. What am I doing? Here? Off late, certain, at times an inevitable complacency creeps into me. I untangle myself and let it go and I go on.

             A crisp cold evening; the winter is aloud on air; when you feel the wind biting into your skin unaware. As I stroll on the streets of my neighbourhood, I can’t escape feeling this feeling of discomfort. If I were to borrow a certain  Bollywood description for the beefed up security measures on the context of President’s visit and called this scene as Kashmir-a/like. Mind me, I am righteously wrong here. I also prefer to shy away from such-any filmic description, as it would give away my misinformed nationalistic view of things.

            Yet another successful bandh, following a series of bandhs, office picketing, and road blockades. Nothing works as perfect as Fear in this small town. All I am worried about now is the missing Red-Carpet or maybe I did manage to miss, it being laid out somewhere for the Honourable-His Excellency. I should make a mental note to check the Secretariat, Raj Bhavan, CM’s residence and the university. It would be a gross Grecian disgrace to miss out on such an important colonial/comical custom. I looked for it in the streets as well.

           The streets looked deserted, rather deserted by people, who preferred to huddle up inside their houses for an evening. Scattered sparsely on either sides of the road were few men and boys who went about their business. A few kongs and chai wallahs were busy in their evening order of things. The Haphazardly parked police and security vehicles seemed to make up for the empty canvas of an evening in a Shillong street.

           The charm of the place has definitely taken a day off on Mukherjee’s maiden visit to Meghalaya.

           Come whatever! I am out to enjoy a cup of tea in this cold weather. Balancing the plastic cup in one hand, I manage to get hold of my mobile from my pocket to read a text. “It is not Meghalaya, it is bandhalaya.” Makes sense in one way.

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in the inner sanctum of the darkest night

an anonymous night

went unheeded…

two souls delved deeper

in the piercing cold,

hot,the glistening beads of sweat…

in the unspent hour hurriedly,

i searched for a known semblance…

of the crispness in the wild air,

the mud patch of the wet earth,

the whining moon light,

the unmistakable sad tilt of your head…

in the inner sanctum of the dark and coldest night,

embers of romance are still warm,

a flame of nostalgic love will now be lit

for the memories of unmade love…

Does the night still possess the love to serenade the moon?

The Book-Broker

He was new to the place; with hundreds of new faces around, he not only felt new, but also out of place. Still he braced himself for what was ahead in store. With each passing day, he became familiar with the new faces. Soon there would be someone to greet him, smile at him, and stop by to ask, ‘had lunch?’ ‘Do you have class now?’ ‘Nice shirt yaar’, ‘Want to have chai?’ Casual acquaintances do happen this way in a new place.

But still there were few people, who do not need such mere casual niceties. But there was something else; Some other people who took him to them. Kevin, The Great Dane Singer, Nagaraj, Swami, Oliver Twist, Range, Henry, Kalyani, Robert Langdon, Jamie Sullivan, Sparks, Jayakanthan, Harry Potter, Erma Bombeck.

And not to forget Alvin, the cute kid, who lost his family on a Christmas Eve. It was Alvin, who showed a different him to others. People by then knew that he was a story teller. And she loved to listen to his tales. She knew, he is different and all that mattered to him was the words and what they convey to world.

There was this guy and the first novel he brought for him. “The pleasant Interlude”; and from then it was their ritual- A book for every birthday.

Oh! Not to forget how these three met on a mid-night to be introduced as hard cotter potter-maniacs. Be it the mess, corridors, Stone benches, the front shop. They were never tired to carry a conversation of what would happen to Harry and Hogwarts after the death of the beloved Headmaster Dumbledore.

There were a few girls, who met him almost every evening/weekend to get/share/exchange/rob books from him. Also they loved to call him Krishna, for they believed he has a way with girls, but not just with words alone. Those evening spent in the stone benches and those never ending conversations at the girls hostel gate. Girls, it seems had to face a tough time with their infamous warden because of him, as how someone later testified.

Then came two Psycho Seniors. Remember Kevin, not just a problem child in the case of high school shooting, but someone he held close onto and someone who grew on him. She knew that behind this stupidity and Vainokki, rather Bada Jollu Party, there is a sensitized guy.

Not to forget the beautiful world of Malgudi that R K Narayan weaved with his words and imagination, which brought us together and also the hatred of you for poor Ginny, I have never seen anybody so much drooling for our Harry.

Oh! And then the senior and the sister, with whom he had real tough time, when it comes to make her read books, and had to throw up real emotional tantrums to make her read books. Someone who got him Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on the first day and the last day of his life in Coimbatore.

Pray for me Brother, Gone with the Wind, My Days, and a Readers Digest Edition of A Walk to Remember were their last exchanges. Rather the meen curry and Kari meen at Neyyattinkara.

Have you ever sit on a public place reading a book? Well you would. But have you ever snatched a book from someone when they were deeply immersed in it? And then call your friend and show, “Hey Look, Nicholas sparks.” And still forget that there was a guy standing in front of you, mouth wide open and little intrigued. I know someone, who just got lost in North Carolina then.

A junior, who was introduced as a fellow Potterian and a co-Aquarian, someone who shared the equal madness and passion for books. Someone who made him gift her, Tuesdays with Morrie

And then someone else walks into his life, a junior to start with, and then turning out to be a precious little brother he always longed for. They grew together without books. I remember those Friday evenings when he went to see him off. Those old book stalls, where he leisurely spend an hour or two buying half of dozen of books, only to be snatched/robbed, when he is back to campus.

It rarely happens that he gets to read the book first. It was always made sure that the book is circulated among their reading circle; read by everyone and then promptly returned to him.

Such was the life of The Book Broker.

P.S. To all my Book-Lover friends from PSG… Love you folks…

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New Year, New Dawn and New Hopes…

Let all that remain aside,
but what concerns me more these days is you. Just you.

I had been merely just lazy and have thoroughly neglected you. I am sorry baby. I promise that I will make up and be the best to you in the coming days. Promise to take you out for more, random outings, random restaurants for an eat-out and posh places once in a blue moon, More Walks, More movies, More Shopping and I need to earn for that.

It feels good to sit and write a letter, a post just for you. And more than anything I need to spend more time with you, to re-discover you, discover you and to fall in love with you once again… and that’s a promise now.

Love,
From Darling Me to Darling Me…

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A Gazillion things about me

I was supposed to write another post! but a recent conversation with an old Blogger-friend prompted me to post this. Say it is my comeback post!!! I so badly want to be back here and this is a small step towards the same..I have to post like 125 random things about me,so BIG Bro here it is…
i hope u guys don’t fall sleep reading (seriously)…

________________________________________
1.I love chocolates,
2.I easily get addicted to people,
3.White Mischief was the first vodka I had, and Vodka was my first drink
4.It still remains my favorite.
5.I have many crushes than I can afford to remember
6.I am a romantic person and I so badly want to be my old self- A stupid and a hopeless romantic..
7.I love day-dreaming
8.I probabbly have spent 20 to 30% of my time in that
9.Till the age of 22, say I had imaginary friends and would have imagined converstaions with them.
10.Most of my stories are a result of this
11.I frantically trying cutting down the number of imaginary friends I have.
12.I am never bitten by a dog till now.
13.Thrice, birds had shat on my head.
14.First time I got sloshed, I ended up crying, that nobody loves me, almost more half a dozen of my friends, were like, I love you buddy, we love you dude…
15.Dream Girl: Revathy from Puthiya mugam
16.First blogger i met: Vicky.
17.I am happiest when i am deeply immersed in a book.
18.Man I get mushy mushy, when I read Nicholas sparks
19.and I will meet Nicholas sparks for sure once in my life time.
20.I think I am an atheist. Na, say am agnostic there
21. I believe I am a true Believer
22.I have watched Anjali movie over 100 times.
23.I have read six times the entire series of Harry Potter
24.Actually I am trying to read again the series now..

25.HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice → Yes.
2. Been cheated on? → Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → No.
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed?→ Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? → Na. Though got sloshed

26.HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends → Yes.Two great ones.
2. Fallen out of love → Yes.
3. Laughed until you cried → yes.
4. Met someone who changed you → yes,a lot many and I can sense them in me.
5. Found out who your true friends were → Yes
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Yes
8. Made the first Move → yes and have failed
10. Do you have any pets → Yes.
11. Do you want to change your name → No
12. What did you do for your last birthday → Temple Visit with my family.. Man..Please..
13. What time did you wake up today – 8:49 a.m.
14. What were you doing at midnight last night→ chatting with a budd over phone
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → February 6th 2011
16. Last time you saw your father → yesterday night
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Like I have made it there — A Medic
18. Most visited webpage → Gmail, Musings of True Believer, a friend’s tweet page, until two days back.

27.ABOUT U:

1. What’s your name→ Barath Nataraj
2. Nicknames→ Baru, baratha, barre, febi
3. Height → 5’6”
4. Zodiac sign → Aquarian
5. Male or female or transgendered → Male
6. Elementary→ Amala English School
7. Schools → Sri Vijay Vidhyalaya MHSS, Ideal HSS
8. Colleges → PSG Coimbatore, UOH
9. Fantasy:to Wake up looking at the snow capped mountains of the Alps, not alone…

10. Hair color → Black
11. Long or short → short
12. Ever been in love? Yes, once, I think twice…
13. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes, The current count is 3.
14. Piercings → want one
15. Tattoos → never
16. Righty or lefty → Righty
17. First piercing → Soon
18: First best friends → Jeevs
19. First sport you joined: Football
20. First pet → Dog named ‘Tiger’.
21. First vacation → hmmmm…Ooty
22. First concert → Never
23. First crush –> Gayathri
24. Eating → ? ——— A real foodie at heart
25. Drinking → Vodka in my masters second year with friends on a star lit night at VC rocks
26. I am looking forward to meet someone, so eagerly…
27. I’m about to → Get up and go to pee

28. I like to say ayyo a lot of times
30. Listening to–> Pachai Killigal tholodu
31. no problem in adjusting at anyone’s place…just show me where I need to sleep
32. I don’t forget a favor either.
34. Build ma dream house n christen it ‘Malgudi’

35.I eat everything, almost. No probs there
36.I am always interested to go ‘places’.I am a traveler.
37.I want to sleep under the stars in a sea shore
38.I want to learn to care less a damn about those printed papers- Money
39.I had real problem in the first year of my hostel in mess, cos I couldn’t eat when people stare at me.
40.I hate it when people peep over when I amd doing something. I easily get iritated then.
41.There are many times, I just wanted to turn back and punch them on face
42.I am sure, someone will get that for me oneday.
43.Till my age of ten or eleven, I used to buy cigarettes for my dad.
44.I don’t believe in true love anymore, rather the happily-ever after kind
45.When i feel lonely, i go to sleep.
46.I love to cook, especially for others.
47.I don’t want to die

48.I am shy ,when it comes to talking to strangers
49.I dont trust strangers easily.
50.My hindi is real bad, Real.
51.I prefer to hit the gym, but too lazy
52.I Hate shaving.
53.I can be real real mean at times.
54.I am waiting to welcome, someone home, yet another dimension to the same person in my life..
55.At times I hate staying with my parents at times and even think I wish I was born else where.
56.I don’t forgive easily.
57.I have a bet with my mom, I don’t want to lose on this here, now..

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? –> yes
59. Want to get married ? –> Dunno there.Honestly
60. Careers in mind? –> When I was a kid, I seriously considered becoming (rather being) a shepherd.
61.I am scared of water.But i want to go river rafting.
62.Fav actor(Male):Hollywood:- Keanu Reeves
63.Fav actor(Female):Hollywood:- Not anyone in particular, kate winslet
64.Fav actor(Male):Indian:- Kamal Hasaan.
65.Fav actor(Female):Indian:- Reavthy and Nandita Das.
66.I like to get drenched in rains
67.I want to learn Guitar
68. Lips or eyes → Eyes, says Lips on Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses→ Hugs, say with kisses
70. Shorter or taller → Shorter
71. Older or Younger → both
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneously Romantic..
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → stomach …lol, I change.. Arms actually
74. Sensitive or loud → Can’t say there
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Sex on first date → Na, there are many more things to a date
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → a hesitant Troublemaker
78. Kissed a stranger → Na…
79. Lost glasses/contacts → Nope
80. Broken someone’s heart → Yes.
81. Had your own heart broken → Yes.
82. Been arrested → No
83. Turned someone down → Yes
85. Cried when someone died → Yes
86. Liked a friend that is a girl/boy? → Both…
87. Cheated on a friend → Never, though have hurt
88. Felt Betrayed → yes.Dont keep a count there
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself → Always,Yes
90. Miracles → I can neither say no, nor be blind for one.
91. Love at first sight → never in both.
92. Heaven → NO
93. Santa Clause → YES
94. Peace in this lifetime→ I WISH
95. Kissing on the first date? → maybe/yes if, the other makes the move.
96. Angels → YES
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? –> Yes.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time in the past? –> No
99. You will die Young→ Yes, I want to die in late-forties, real early
100. You will end with the one you love and learn to love the one you are with – yeah I will.

101.I want to be a smoker. I believe smokers have a charm and a grace.
102.I am scared of driving bikes.
103.Though i have a lot of patience but I hate to wait.

104. Last beverage → Chai
105. Last phone call–> Dad, 65 mins ago
106. Last text message→ Deepti,
107. Last song you listened to→ lukka chhupi
108. Last time you cried→ three days back
110. Last meal: Paniyaram

111.ice-creams I have them, when I feel low and down..
112.My idol: Mother Teresa (actually too many)
113.I want to have a real physique. too lazy to work it out
114.In my dreams I was once chased by a dementor…
115.I go deaf on certain people always!!!
116.MY first prized possession was an old tattered book.
117.I love gloves…
118.My two Seniors call me a demony bro.
119.I was once called a group of guys and been threatened.I got scared.
120.I love my smile
121.I had a bad crush on my juns… the Innocent camel
122.I got a call and I couldnt answer, gonna call him right back after I post
123.I Purposefully missed out no.29
124.When i get drunk : i chat a lot and now people tell I get silent after drinking
125.I Wish I can go back in time and have more sibling rivalries, rather more siblings.

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A few deaths

Some dreams just don’t fade like the reality; they don’t glare in either, but creeps in and freaks you out. Some dreams about a few I knew haunt me. Some are dead, some alive. Some in a trance, some in a deep despair and some like in the dream I dreamt the other day about an elderly- good- woman-friend of him. She was naked and looked pale like a pearly white ghost. Her body glowed like the moon on a starless night. Her breasts were full and looked sagged. Her stomach showed her youth replaced with folds of fat. She looked heavenly with a calmness that only the blessed-dead could have. I felt happy for her, but all the while guilty for having imagined her that way. I wonder why I dreamed her death, for she is the still-healthy living woman.

Deaths have always scared the day lights out of me. I was scared, haunted, rather to an extent possessed by death all through my growing up days. I have more wondered about death, as where people would go after life. How someone who lived all their life could, just disappear to nowhere after death.

The first death I saw was that of my neighbour uncle, who died of a heart-attack, I still remember how shocked and frozen, I was when I saw him first with his head tied with a white cloth and cotton filled in his nostrils. Will that be done to me once when I die? It disturbed me to know that people would be taken to heaven that way. I ran from the place and went to my bedroom and hid under the cot, thinking that I could evade death. I remember how I hid under the blankets on my bed and peeped out of the window to see him been taken to the heavenly abode.

Deaths scared me only, till I hadn’t met it. The first death for which I cried was for Tiger, a faithful dog of mine. She died having lived her life; it was the first stab of pain for a ten year old. I couldn’t understand what it would be then for me, to be a ten year old and to cry and grieve for the loss of a loved one. All I knew then and now was; it hurts. I look back from then till now, I learnt that with every death, a part of me inevitably dies, I bury a part of myself and it creates a vacuum in me. An emptiness that turns to a scar in me, a wound that I wish time heals, knowing otherwise that, Till death do us apart.

As I grew up, I understood one thing; death is a great-leveller of life. It teaches us love and humility, and with every death I have learnt to love more and be more humble. I have learnt to love everyone around for they may not be alive to be loved tomorrow or I may not be alive to hate them today. It has humbled me, for I have learnt the value of life through death. How I wish I could trade in these lessons for the life of a dead-few.

The scene of her lying clad in her angelic white bride wear in her coffin, ever smiling her sweet smile to the world of her loved ones. I wish God could have understood the value of love, if then He wouldn’t have taken her with him, the scene of a middle-aged mother, knowing well that her orphaned-son had no-one to love and to be loved, the death of a grand-father who gave away his old age to the pain of cocktails of radiation and chemotherapy rather than the loving company of his grandchildren, the death of a brother whose youthful life was wasted in drugs. It is the way life is learnt through a few deaths.

Life is when you know that death doesn’t stop things, it doesn’t end a relationship, but how the cursed few learn to carry the life of the dead in them. Life is when it sharply pains at the stab of a twinge of a remembrance of the long-gone-loved one and a tear or two is dropped and you brush it aside with your finger and turn aside, Smile gently and offer the prayer. I Love You.

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My evading musings

Curse the good god, (if there is any). What’s happening with my musings? It is like; I had been ditched by muse. Ages since I had immersed in thoughts, No I don’t count my exam days. They are far worse, but best when it comes to exercise my mind. For I imagine a lot, when I write exams. Probably you have, when you have no clue about what’s been asked in the question paper. Half my answers are hypothetical and the other needless to utter, non-sense. Well that’s how I had been till now. But my best memories include exam days, be it the board exams, entrance examinations or semester exams. I can never forget those days. There’s apparently something magical about exams, that only an average under dog can know. The thrill of being ignorant about what you need to know and still make it to the exam hall. And spending a considerable chunk of time, day-dreaming-looking around, reading the instructions, hall-tickets, question paper, what ever available to read, randomly looking around, wool-gathering, reliving memories, pretending to think and acting as if you are smart know-all and write some crap to fill-in pages. Those days are now gone. Me on a way to be research scholar soon, Heaven willing…..

Life is quite different now, outside campus and especially being at home. feels like am deeply grounded and living in an island of lost abyss. I wish things were a bit better. Have got loads to do, don’t where to start to sort out things. Feeling crazy yet unreasonably depressed. Let’s see.

And Well I have exactly never spoken about this, The coming of a small town boy to a metro. It has been two years now. and I remember the day, when this small town guy landed in hydreabad, about to cry when his dad wasl leaving. Thanks tto Rajitha akka and the timely offer of pav bhaji! from then it was a journey, mostly the journey of the self into the self… and then I started blogging! well, That was one another thing that happened to me. well the other thing is the meeting of people. People from various parts of the country. I learnt a few things and well even un learned many..

And this i9s how my musings have been evading me for the past two months. I honestly couldn pen down a single thought! there has been a block/clog in my space… and Of course things were nt fine at my end. Not keeping for a long while. All i know is my search grows bigger in my life and as Known to a few, I just want to give up everything…

And this wonderfull thing happened… Lets just call her N, for a few close folks of mine know, her! It was exactly in my first year UG I met her in coimbatore bus stand. She then was in her secomd year English literature. well she is my Kinter Garden sweet heart. Well. My first ever friend, The first person I consciously loved outside my Family. We were been this inseperable pair, well everyone knows that peopel till tease me, for I did everything to be with her, sneaking her out of the class in UKG and going for a walk in the school garden while class hours, spending the noons with her while we were supposed to take rest. It was innocence of love with pure bliss and joy. I remember the time when I prayed that I should be put up with her after my fifth std. And How she prayed to Mother Mary to change me to a girl so that I can be with her…

And we didnt meet so ofetn after that. and the last time I met her was a few weeks back, most unexpectedly. I heard she got married to a guy she fell in love with. Her parents were really nice ecought to let her marry a guy from another religion and I met her with her husband. Well All I remember about N is her dimpled smile with her trying to tuck a strand of hair. She remains the same. and then after a casula conversation, when we were about to leave, she smiled and told me, “Sure da bharatha, You will like V, he knows you well. and he is more like you.” and she looked into my eyes and smiled. God! I love her. and You know I smiled inside, a knowing smile of seeing her happy!!! when you love someone, you smile often… and Guys! I love you. V and N. My sincere wishes are prayers for a happy life…

Well Nothing much! am not still out of my writers block.

Jb ma’m gonna finish her thesis soon.
Haven’t spoken with anyone, should call and speak…
Got three more exams, well Thats counts more important
My trip is waiting and so is my friends
HAvent spokent to Mano, asish, Raku, Raji akka, sudar anna, winny, and a lot more
Been a year! I met Raul…
Should meet Vicky this time, no matter what happens..
Should visit my old school and college…
Samby would be back soon…
Well a lot more
Hoping against hopes That I would resume writing soon…

And then i wrote….

It was quite a week, idling away from life, giving much a thought on the unruined days of the future was me, a life to live, and a life-time of memories cherished. Walking back from the lake with a friend, hand in hand, totally drenched, listening to the whispering winds, under an unusually dark sky , kicks our feelings of the gone days. The waft of the wet earth in the breeze announces the arrival of the rain. 

Huge bouts of cloud, about to burst into a chattering , like the sweet nothings, both filled with nothing , yet something. A couple of kids teetering back, discussing over hot samosas, the cricket match played, reminds you of your bygone era of childhood.You suddenly miss all those came, went and taken for granted joys of life and the word Nostalgia creeps up painfully in your mind.

And then it rained.

Thick sheets of water drops whirling down the sky in a total gay abandon. A world in blurriness seeps pat me, a guy running past us, ignoring the call of the wild, “Who would boycott a rain, only a fool would”, we talk in a high… A girl racing past us, in her cycle reminds me of the usual skimpily clad heroine in Indian movies and a mischievous knowing smile erupts. “Baru……. I know, “

Frogs croak from the nearby pond, and the soothing sight of the wet bamboos , the distant roaring of a thunder and a streak of lightning crack up in the sky, the thoroughly drenched and shivering dog stands under the cycle shelter, with a deserted look, all I want is to take him in my hands and hug him.

Suddenly you remember all those days which had a weather like this and when all those things happened . All those rainy treks/fights/talks hit in the the screen of your mind, which you prefer to keep forgotten. You suddenly remember a long lost person. And then abruptly try to get over it. If you are sentimental enough you would sing to yourselves. Rains have it in them to bring the most uncomfortable memories in you.. “pain and the hurt of the past float up, out of you like the  unkept naughty secrets.”

As JB ma’m puts it, “Rains also bring out a riot of colorful memories.” You remember the time when you feel so relieved as Dad reaches home by the first streak of lightening and all of you enjoy the hot chai-bajji in the hall discussing neighbors, politics, sports, friends or planning a shopping or an outing. Until it stops raining and you put on your shoes and run wild outside with your friends and your dog follows you, and play outside in the rain till mom finds you out in the rain and starts shouting, the night when it rained the hardest and you thought of the poor guys in the street who sit huddled under a tarpaulin sheet,  the time when the tuitions stand canceled for the rains and you had all those three hours to kill with your friends before reaching home, the first time, you sat on the rooftop, enjoying the breeze in the solitary night and cry onto yourself. ,the time at hostel with friends on a rainy noon and how much you missed home. The cup of streaming hot coffee and a cozy corner of the window with a book, the first time in the rains ,you gave your jacket to show someone you care, a walk in the woods with her, holding her close to you and feeling every fiber of your being in this life….

Walking along my thoughts, i just couldn’t help notice this old couple i was following all this while. Walking in the rain, with the man holding the umbrella in his hand, yet drenched and the lady leaning onto him, with her head rested on his shoulder. I wished a prayer and turned my way…

How true is the saying, “The best thing to do when it rains is to let it rain….”

P.S. Incidentally I have completed fifty posts, which can be called a feat for a lazily lazy person like me. I wish my love and regards for the unconditional support and warmth from everyone of my blog-family and friends. 

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The orphaned life

Life makes everyone an orphan. The more a person tries to relate, the more he orphans himself. No one can orphan anyone because it is just an opinion. A considered opinion. It is obviously an individual’s choice of being belonged. Even when blessed with a beautiful family and many special people, we, at times can’t help our self feeling like one. Things are fine as long as it is a feeling. Just a feeling.

We do have an odd way of feeling it. Don’t know why, but everyone wants to be an independent person. (Here it refers to being on one’s own). We often hear ourselves justifying, “People will not understand me.” And when things get even worse, we wanted to be left alone. I personally and seriously believe that half the persons who wanted to be left alone never really wants to be left alone. Well, remember little Anne Frank who wanted to be left alone and she was always scared that she would be left alone more than she wished. True to her fear, she was.

It is not that we want to banish everyone from life and lead a happy one. May be we wanted ourselves to be banished from worst things. We never really know whether this is Detachment or even if it can be called so. Sometimes we feel more orphaned, not physically or mentally but because of been let down by people or the fear of being let down. We become very hurt. It almost becomes an ache. Heartache. A chronic never ending heartache. We wish to have a consoling and an understanding soul than a loving one to let out all our darkest fears. Fears. Speaking of fears, everyone can truly be crowned “King of Phobias”. This is certainly not Phobiaphobia.

The very thought of phobia brings an inexplicable solicitude for our very own life. We are neither diffident nor confident. People tend to become brave, only if the situation warrants. We are not a coward still. We stand up and speak up for every injustice done to us. There are times, when we conveniently recoil and not mind things even when they go completely wrong. Why bother as long as I remain unaffected. Nice attitude, though not a good virtue.

Will our ability or choice to willingly relate our best selves to people and their lives banish this heartache, or help us to conquer our phobias or stop our souls from being orphaned? No, but this gives the Comfortable warmth to life in which a gentle hand reaches soothingly to calm the Orphaned soul.

Life certainly becomes better when we learn a thing which gives the “Feel Good” feel. When an invisible soul emanates from our soul to heal everything. When it willingly embraces everyone in joy and with total acceptance in love. Life by itself gives us the best, when it is lived. Only when lived. Not when despised, envied, feared, frowned, hated, loathed, worried and what not. Learning everything, we live. Life goes on. We get on, to run along.

Life beckons……