Category: Just Me

“Like a museum devoted to an absence.”

It’s been almost forty hours since I last slept, the house is in a mess, things strewn around and cupboards all emptied of its contents, pieces of papers lying around. I have checked into the pages of every book, note book and dairies I have ever owned or written in. I frantically flip through the pages, searching for a word, a phrase, a doodle or a code word into which I had once etched and emptied a memory into. A memory of a life-time; love, friendship, devotion, obsession, crush, puppy-love, fondness and affection that crept into me slowly yet slyly, when I was a teen.
 
A soothing calmness embraces my soul as I think of him.
 
I remember that winter when I first met him; a boring evening at a cousin’s home, where we gathered for a Christmas carol practice. To be honest, I don’t have a memory-picture of him.  I was hardly thirteen and he was twenty five/twenty six, yet what I remember distinctly was how he and S were holding hands all the time when they were seated among us. All we did was chuckle and giggle whenever they looked at us, smiling. Probably I believe that was my first ever idea or imagination of what it would be, to be in love. I was naive then and much more naiver now.
 
And it happened that there was always a whooshing of silences and whispers each time, as one of them would walk into the room. It was a common knowledge among us children, that they were in love and were betrothed to each other; a word that I fancied a lot, all through my adolescence. He was at once; this brother, a friend, a partner in crime, a joker, a merry-maker, a charming young man for all the mothers there and to my horror, my first ever adolescent crush. 

I knew deep inside me that I will not and cannot love him as how S loved him.  Yet my fondness grew aplenty, platonically. He made me grow into the person that I always wanted to. He taught me; how to dribble a ball, climb, swim, trek, to whistle with fingers, tie a sailor’s knot in ropes and Windsor’s knot and seventeen other ways to tie a necktie, something that my children adore in me now.
 
Three decades of life passed by; turning me forty five, yet I am that wistful teen still, when his memory crawls into me unaware, as I read this phrase, “Like a museum devoted to an absence.” from the book, After the Crash. My life came crashing down to a stand-still, lost in an abyss of over-whelming desire to know what happened to him after he disappeared from our lives. we all knew what happened to S after two years. A story that cannot be simply summed up in a few sentences and yet it is something that we all learned to live through. 
 
I feel closer to the memory of my fifteen year old-summer as I close my eyes. I feel the years begin to fade in reverse, blurring my memories, yet reminding me of that ephemeral moment of innocence. That afternoon when a few dozen people walked back from the church after the service, I saw him walk aimlessly along the fence. Leila was tagging along him, with such sadness in her eyes that could only worsen his loss. I saw him, crumble down and lean onto the wall as Leila went and sat between his legs and started to lick his face. He hugged her and kissed her head and broke down, sobbing into her. I watched him from distance and knew for sure then; that I loved him more for what he has been to S in all those years.
 
Jeevs! I wish you are somewhere safe; tears in my eyes and hands folded in prayer, I send a wishful thought to heaven, that you found/made peace, for I never made mine knowing that you left us. I am a teacher and a parent now; I wishfully look at all my high school kids and wish you were one of them.
 

And, as I always remember being the youngest and only daughter, how it was to be treated a-bullied-yet-the-princess of the world by my brothers. I wish my two daughters would stop constantly picking on their brother and leave him to grow up like, the memory of mine-You.


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A Gazillion things about me

I was supposed to write another post! but a recent conversation with an old Blogger-friend prompted me to post this. Say it is my comeback post!!! I so badly want to be back here and this is a small step towards the same..I have to post like 125 random things about me,so BIG Bro here it is…
i hope u guys don’t fall sleep reading (seriously)…

________________________________________
1.I love chocolates,
2.I easily get addicted to people,
3.White Mischief was the first vodka I had, and Vodka was my first drink
4.It still remains my favorite.
5.I have many crushes than I can afford to remember
6.I am a romantic person and I so badly want to be my old self- A stupid and a hopeless romantic..
7.I love day-dreaming
8.I probabbly have spent 20 to 30% of my time in that
9.Till the age of 22, say I had imaginary friends and would have imagined converstaions with them.
10.Most of my stories are a result of this
11.I frantically trying cutting down the number of imaginary friends I have.
12.I am never bitten by a dog till now.
13.Thrice, birds had shat on my head.
14.First time I got sloshed, I ended up crying, that nobody loves me, almost more half a dozen of my friends, were like, I love you buddy, we love you dude…
15.Dream Girl: Revathy from Puthiya mugam
16.First blogger i met: Vicky.
17.I am happiest when i am deeply immersed in a book.
18.Man I get mushy mushy, when I read Nicholas sparks
19.and I will meet Nicholas sparks for sure once in my life time.
20.I think I am an atheist. Na, say am agnostic there
21. I believe I am a true Believer
22.I have watched Anjali movie over 100 times.
23.I have read six times the entire series of Harry Potter
24.Actually I am trying to read again the series now..

25.HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice → Yes.
2. Been cheated on? → Yes
3. Kissed someone & regretted it? → No.
4. Lost someone special? → Yes
5. Been depressed?→ Yes
6. Been drunk and threw up? → Na. Though got sloshed

26.HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends → Yes.Two great ones.
2. Fallen out of love → Yes.
3. Laughed until you cried → yes.
4. Met someone who changed you → yes,a lot many and I can sense them in me.
5. Found out who your true friends were → Yes
6. Found out someone was talking about you → Yes
7. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list → Yes
8. Made the first Move → yes and have failed
10. Do you have any pets → Yes.
11. Do you want to change your name → No
12. What did you do for your last birthday → Temple Visit with my family.. Man..Please..
13. What time did you wake up today – 8:49 a.m.
14. What were you doing at midnight last night→ chatting with a budd over phone
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for → February 6th 2011
16. Last time you saw your father → yesterday night
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life → Like I have made it there — A Medic
18. Most visited webpage → Gmail, Musings of True Believer, a friend’s tweet page, until two days back.

27.ABOUT U:

1. What’s your name→ Barath Nataraj
2. Nicknames→ Baru, baratha, barre, febi
3. Height → 5’6”
4. Zodiac sign → Aquarian
5. Male or female or transgendered → Male
6. Elementary→ Amala English School
7. Schools → Sri Vijay Vidhyalaya MHSS, Ideal HSS
8. Colleges → PSG Coimbatore, UOH
9. Fantasy:to Wake up looking at the snow capped mountains of the Alps, not alone…

10. Hair color → Black
11. Long or short → short
12. Ever been in love? Yes, once, I think twice…
13. Do you have a crush on someone? → Yes, The current count is 3.
14. Piercings → want one
15. Tattoos → never
16. Righty or lefty → Righty
17. First piercing → Soon
18: First best friends → Jeevs
19. First sport you joined: Football
20. First pet → Dog named ‘Tiger’.
21. First vacation → hmmmm…Ooty
22. First concert → Never
23. First crush –> Gayathri
24. Eating → ? ——— A real foodie at heart
25. Drinking → Vodka in my masters second year with friends on a star lit night at VC rocks
26. I am looking forward to meet someone, so eagerly…
27. I’m about to → Get up and go to pee

28. I like to say ayyo a lot of times
30. Listening to–> Pachai Killigal tholodu
31. no problem in adjusting at anyone’s place…just show me where I need to sleep
32. I don’t forget a favor either.
34. Build ma dream house n christen it ‘Malgudi’

35.I eat everything, almost. No probs there
36.I am always interested to go ‘places’.I am a traveler.
37.I want to sleep under the stars in a sea shore
38.I want to learn to care less a damn about those printed papers- Money
39.I had real problem in the first year of my hostel in mess, cos I couldn’t eat when people stare at me.
40.I hate it when people peep over when I amd doing something. I easily get iritated then.
41.There are many times, I just wanted to turn back and punch them on face
42.I am sure, someone will get that for me oneday.
43.Till my age of ten or eleven, I used to buy cigarettes for my dad.
44.I don’t believe in true love anymore, rather the happily-ever after kind
45.When i feel lonely, i go to sleep.
46.I love to cook, especially for others.
47.I don’t want to die

48.I am shy ,when it comes to talking to strangers
49.I dont trust strangers easily.
50.My hindi is real bad, Real.
51.I prefer to hit the gym, but too lazy
52.I Hate shaving.
53.I can be real real mean at times.
54.I am waiting to welcome, someone home, yet another dimension to the same person in my life..
55.At times I hate staying with my parents at times and even think I wish I was born else where.
56.I don’t forgive easily.
57.I have a bet with my mom, I don’t want to lose on this here, now..

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? –> yes
59. Want to get married ? –> Dunno there.Honestly
60. Careers in mind? –> When I was a kid, I seriously considered becoming (rather being) a shepherd.
61.I am scared of water.But i want to go river rafting.
62.Fav actor(Male):Hollywood:- Keanu Reeves
63.Fav actor(Female):Hollywood:- Not anyone in particular, kate winslet
64.Fav actor(Male):Indian:- Kamal Hasaan.
65.Fav actor(Female):Indian:- Reavthy and Nandita Das.
66.I like to get drenched in rains
67.I want to learn Guitar
68. Lips or eyes → Eyes, says Lips on Eyes
69. Hugs or kisses→ Hugs, say with kisses
70. Shorter or taller → Shorter
71. Older or Younger → both
72. Romantic or spontaneous → Spontaneously Romantic..
73. Nice stomach or nice arms → stomach …lol, I change.. Arms actually
74. Sensitive or loud → Can’t say there
75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship
76. Sex on first date → Na, there are many more things to a date
77. Trouble maker or hesitant → a hesitant Troublemaker
78. Kissed a stranger → Na…
79. Lost glasses/contacts → Nope
80. Broken someone’s heart → Yes.
81. Had your own heart broken → Yes.
82. Been arrested → No
83. Turned someone down → Yes
85. Cried when someone died → Yes
86. Liked a friend that is a girl/boy? → Both…
87. Cheated on a friend → Never, though have hurt
88. Felt Betrayed → yes.Dont keep a count there
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself → Always,Yes
90. Miracles → I can neither say no, nor be blind for one.
91. Love at first sight → never in both.
92. Heaven → NO
93. Santa Clause → YES
94. Peace in this lifetime→ I WISH
95. Kissing on the first date? → maybe/yes if, the other makes the move.
96. Angels → YES
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? –> Yes.
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time in the past? –> No
99. You will die Young→ Yes, I want to die in late-forties, real early
100. You will end with the one you love and learn to love the one you are with – yeah I will.

101.I want to be a smoker. I believe smokers have a charm and a grace.
102.I am scared of driving bikes.
103.Though i have a lot of patience but I hate to wait.

104. Last beverage → Chai
105. Last phone call–> Dad, 65 mins ago
106. Last text message→ Deepti,
107. Last song you listened to→ lukka chhupi
108. Last time you cried→ three days back
110. Last meal: Paniyaram

111.ice-creams I have them, when I feel low and down..
112.My idol: Mother Teresa (actually too many)
113.I want to have a real physique. too lazy to work it out
114.In my dreams I was once chased by a dementor…
115.I go deaf on certain people always!!!
116.MY first prized possession was an old tattered book.
117.I love gloves…
118.My two Seniors call me a demony bro.
119.I was once called a group of guys and been threatened.I got scared.
120.I love my smile
121.I had a bad crush on my juns… the Innocent camel
122.I got a call and I couldnt answer, gonna call him right back after I post
123.I Purposefully missed out no.29
124.When i get drunk : i chat a lot and now people tell I get silent after drinking
125.I Wish I can go back in time and have more sibling rivalries, rather more siblings.

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The God of small things

No!!! This is not a review of the book, or Am not gonna talk about anything related to the book, There is always a coming back for everything on earth and for everyone… And So for me, for someone who didn’t write anything for ages, It is something little that does the wonder in life,

For I believe that little things matter the most in life.. THE MOST… And I greatly adore/admire/love/respect Arundathi Roy, who christened her book, The God of Small things… Happyness like the sands of the sea is made up of numerous little things, Life is made up of such numerous beautiful little things which make the short while a worth while occasion.

Be it watching a sunset, a cozy conversation over a cup of chai or a little shared dinner, a late night coffee or spending an evening with friends … And when I say friends, It sounds a little tricky… for What is a friend and who is a friend differs a lot in every one’s perspective. Someone who makes you feel good, someone who brings you a smile for no reason, someone who makes you care, go for him/her. Nothing great can define a friend and a friendship … It is often the overstated or the understated…

An unexpected catch up in the canteen, leading to an idle no-sense/no need of a sense/all sense conversation, a small walk the talk/hey am leaving/ hey see the sun/

A path through the dried grass, thoroughly littered with shit and shattered glass, and the tall bushes and tress, a careful walk among the once lush greenery, leading to the lake, the dried patch of the earth, a small make-over place to sit, a amateur flutist trying his level best to play sound and a musical response from the cuckoo or a peacock…. Watching the blue hues turn to the orange hues as the clouds magically sweep the sun home, the birds flying home in the V direction, the frogs croaking in the lake, a duck paddling its way to and fro, a small bird searching for the fish, the buffaloes grazing lazily, three friends chatting over, one desperately trying to play flute, the other playing and singing songs and the third other ever innocently watching the stupid acts of the two guys… One thing leading to the other, a talk about Tamil movies, One animatedly talking about her love for Tamil movies, and how she likes the dance of the actor Vijay *Sigh*,, Hey indeed Vijay a great dancer, but actor….. oh My God……

Then a photo session to follow, Oh! how much I love to click people,,, The most beautiful moments captured in the camera and frozen in the mind and every picture tells a story, how the picture was taken, what happened before, during and after… Listening to the old songs, the English rapp, malayalam Naadan pattukal, the Hindu devotional songs, Suprabhatam, “The best way to,” ….. get up in the morning, completes your friend.. How true, The joy of getting up early in the morning to the sound of the magical muse…. Some things just happen… The accidental meeting, the unplanned act of sitting together and watching the sun-set…

An unexpected Gift(s), The most beautiful thing in life is surprise, and the next wonderful thing is being surrounded with people who surprises you… An Unexpected gift, that too a book, It indeed feels great when someone gifts, and then a long ago requested cloth bag…. I felt so good…. An unexpected phone call, when you were busy sharing dinner, what feel is that when you turn into kids and share food, in spite fighting over the fish pieces and still sharing leaving the little for the sure-late-comer….

And a phone call to talk/share/ramble on about the recent Jayakanthan book read.. The Characters Ganga/Henry/Ranga/Kalyani who teach you what life is, An author with a fatherly concern who teaches you the healthy view of life, a non-judgemental writer, the greatest humanist-ever, and therapeutic words brimming with love. Jayakanathan, You made me a human… And tons of Thanks to JB Ma’am for having introducing this legend in my life….

What more can be asked in life than love, people, books, music and certain other little which you love the most and that makes life the more meaning full… They make you passionate and compassionate enough. What more is needed in life than to live life with love? What more can life be? when you’re surrounded by people whom you love and people who love you?

What more can be asked in life, when you know that life is in the little moments of happyness and life is only when you live, As Anu akka says,”what more life can be, when you have learnt, how to romance life…”

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware – beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a “small one.”

P.S1.Well I Thank Nikhil for His , Honest Blogger Award that He bestowed upon this Humble Blog And his Cho cho cho chweet words for me

“the tamil payyan-most men aren even half as honest as he is in his space,the longest posts in ma blgroll which is quite superb though you tend to struggle for words thaks to the sheer magnitude of his posts,fun loving,humorous and sexy.. :p).”

P.S2. And if you have noticed I had changed the blog name from Musings to Musings of a true believer. People Who knows me well, Know well about this Incurable optimist too and I believe that I’m a true Believer, an Inspiration from Nicholas Sparks..

P.S3. And, Recently I had been asked by a good friend of mine, to actually confess (anything) in my blog, I remember telling this to a friend, followed by a roar of laughter. But I believe in this still …, “I want to read with my lady-love, A walk to Remember in my first night and cry.” It’s now left to you to imagine, what kind of a man would want to read in his Nuptial Night……

P.S4. This post is dedicated to all my friends who have been with/through me, eternally.

What’s my problem, dude!!!

I’ve been this way. My mind feels as if it has been through a roller coaster-ride. I don’t know why, I keep getting all this weird feelings. May be mixed feelings. I feel as if a big tragedy is going to befall me, am going to lose that-very-special-someone. Sometimes, I feel strangely-stupid. Being stupid is okay for a person like me, but this is strange. At times, I get so excited for nothing, other times, I feel very plain, just the usual aiyo-paavam-payan (poorly poor guy looks). sometimes I am very anxious, as anxious as a mother of a young girl who is on her first date.

May be work can do this to people, but why me? It is for people who work hard, I hardly work. For me, even the thought of work or just imagining to be working, tires my soul. And I need countless cups of coffee to get out of this depressing depression. What next? I became fatigue because of my compulsive consumption of coffee. When I’m about to work, I try to warm up to do my best, but in the course, I get heated up and eventually worn out. The very idea of chilling out, freaks me out now.

Am I born with a default disorder which is designed to develop dispersions as I go on?

If at all I manage everything and finally sit to work. I get all innovative ideas on how to evade work. It just then will occur to my mind how I never keep my surrounding clean. When I get to my cleansing work, my mobile dutifully rings, any concerned friend will be available exactly then. I end up talking all the worldly affairs.

I feel all the guiltier after the call. I try to concentrate with all my will power to concentrate on one work. To test me, I often indulge in this very useful exercise. I sit on the floor in an asana position and try to focus my mind on nothing. I intensely command my self not to think about anything, but nothing. I suggest that I should do nothing for the next 30 minutes. I settle myself and spend a minute thinking how I should go about it and suddenly my alarm goes off. Cursing my forgetfulness, I get up to make sure that I shouldn’t be disturbed by anything. I visit every room to check all potential disturbance factors such as Television, radio, mobile, alarm, music system are completely put out. By the time I return, there is a knock at the door. It must be my post-man. I return to my room with the recent issue of The Week. I flip through the pages to read my favorite column. Oh! then I remember my mission. I drop my magazine and resume my asana position. It is already 12.30 PM and I’ve got to meet my dentist at 2Pm. I again do the follow-up procedure and concentrate on nothing. I can hear the sound of the fan in the next room. No let it. Who cares? I should concentrate. I think about calling the clinic to check with them, but why worry, I have an appointment. I make a mental note to brush my teeth before I leave. I think I need to wear my other blue jean and the red tee. Should I take some cash from the ATM? Did I get the card back from mom? I should concentrate now on doing nothing. And the telephone rings. I forgot to completely put out this potential disturbance factor. I get up half-heartedly, thinking how annoying these telephones are.

It was my dad, asking me if I’ve booked my ticket for the next week’s journey. I wonder why he should ask that now. I tell him that I will do that today and let him know. I hung up the phone wondering whether this trait of being futuristic run in our family genes. Anyways I should wash my black jean; it has been nearly two months. I think about doing something and enter the kitchen to have a cup of chai and to go about the day.

Actually this is what happens to people like me, who plan to overwork, but end up doing nothing. My only problem is that I over-plan, take too much in my plate than I can afford to eat. I should rather prioritize my priorities first. But before that, more importantly I should learn to talk less. I know that I talk more, more enough to actually annoy anyone who never gets easily annoyed. Vinu calls me, “a potential threat to anyone who wants to work, even anyone who works in my vicinity will be affected by my strong aura with an unassuming ability to actually annoy people.” Cool. I remember how he was always patient with me till one day- When he literally slapped me just because he couldn’t stand my bugging him the whole day. Poor Vinu! How bad he would have felt! It really hurts me. But honestly I know inside, that it was less for what I did then. Yes I really love to talk more, annoy and bug people. Big Deal? See, I actually don’t know what my problem is- Whether my ability to annoy people, theatrical talent to talk more or multi-tasking (rather multiple planning) and special God-Given-Gift to do nothing and arriving at artistic ways of annoying people. It is not because I’m bored that I talk, annoy or bug, it’s because I love and I love to do these.

Have been this way since I’ve been this way. I know it is quite difficult for people to put up with me. Even I’ve felt that too and tried running away from me. But honestly, I just couldn’t come to think about my self abandonment. I get all this and once in a while I suddenly retreat to silence for the greater good. As how Anu akka calls it, “Hibernation” Scientifically speaking a bear needs around 20,000 calories of energy before it goes to hibernation and she tells me that “I would’ve spent the same amount of calories talking before I proceed to hibernate.”


Whatever it is! It is my problem and it is not my problem, but there is a magic in all this. I connect to people; get to know people when I actually talk with them and more than anything when I listen to people. I learn to listen more. Listening is the high art of loving. And when people get ready to share, it is these three magical words that amplify the power of love: Tell Me More.


And may be I talk more and more because I know that I (We) don’t speak enough.


 

A few thousand words…

Wish you a Merry christmas. May the season of Hope and love bring abundant joy in life. Fingers crossed in prayers…  

It’s Christmas…

Remembering all those days, right from school days, when I used to get gifts every christmas in the school, chocolates, cakes and a Gift, then a movie. Those days when we used to go for christmas carols, sleeping halfway through that, when i endlessly wrote letters to Santa every christmas, And once when my uncle told that Santa would come at mid-night and we kids, went to meet him, actually what turned out was that we chased him out instead,, and now down in dumps am here trying new ways to kill time till my exam, Blog, mails, book, read, write, sketch(New found passion), search (rather ransack, No wonder one of my friends called me a libraraian’s night-mare) the library, browse, roam around, eat, sleep and yesterdayI found out another, Cook, The chef in me overtook… 

Should I feel guilty???

I felt different, rather it felt different. I’ve been this way. My mind feels as if it has been through a roller-coaster ride. I don’t know why. I get excited for nothing and suddenly I feel down-in-the-dumps. then I feel very plain, just the usual aiyo-paavam-payan (Poorly poor guy looks). Sometimes I turn anxious, As anxious as i am very now. Or as anxious as a mother of a young-girl-who-is-on-her-first-date.

I remember getting up early one morning. Must be 4 AM, I get up and manage to wake up my own self and,

the voice:”Barath, you have to get up, you have to complete that story.”
Me: “Oh! No, Not now please, I would appreciate some sleep.”
the voice:”But, you have to write it da, remember what you said last night,”
Me: “what did I say?”
the voice:”Oh! its-its something like you have to finish it and then put it in your blog, Its un-updated for a while na.Forget that, you first get up.”

Me: “Just one hour please.”
the voice:”See you have to be serious. You need to start preparing for your exam too and its not even a month and you haven’t even started, babloo listen-“

Me: “Can’t you leave me in peace?”
Before that, Another me in me wakes up,
Me1: “Can’t you leave that poor-child for a while. Let him sleep.”
Me: “listen na, Naan Thoongarean, I Will sleep.”
the voice: “ekkedo ketuolli. Hell with you.” 

I dutifully got up in the morning and completed a short-story collection, but sinfully stay away from my text… 

The Silent Raga.

There are tales that are to be told, if not they tell themselves. A very compelling read, The Silent Raga by Ameen Merchant. I loved this book by just the last phrase in the back-flop of the book- The Infinite Healing power of love.. A moving tale of a brahmin house-hold in Sripuram, where the elder sister runs off with a Bollywood Muslim actor. An account of growing up in an Agraharam, their everyday life, love and loss. Can simple things be beautiful? Can love heal your past? Can you meddle with fate? Can betrayals be the bygones? Yes. Yes.Yes.

Read it for you may not love it. But it is a tale that should be known, for it happens or it may happen in the family where you, I, my friend or your friend were born. I loved Ameen for his daringness-The appropriate Brahmin Tamil words that were used frequently and yet not provided with a glossary. Ameen Merchant in his acknowledgement has mentioned about Indhumathi akka, who taught him the infinite richness of the language and who only knows what happened to Janaki akka. No outsider could bring in beautifully such an insightful understanding of the cultural nuances of a Tamil Brahmin household. An engagingly haunting enough narration speaks for the rest of the story.

My Pet peeve, Jasmine

I had a major near-migraine in the marriage, It was a simple marriage in a temple. How much I Loved this simple marriage in the temple, But jasmines should better stay away in marriages. I felt like banging my head against the wall and yell the hell out of me. Oh no, not again I can put up with jasmine. No grudge against the flowers and no offence against jasmine lovers. I just wish the whitey doesn’t smell much. It doesn’t matter to me whether it is good or bad, all I want is the Jasmine to smell less or humbly request my olfactory cells to de-sensitize itself a bit. The girl in the departmental store-counter exactly looked like someone who was on the shooting sets of a first night scene of a Tamil movie. Am not good at describing people, that too girls. So better imagine or check out any Tamil movie. It shows the girl getting into the room, the guy getting the milk tumbler from her and they sit on the bed, then either a close-up shot of two love-birds or blooming of the flowers or the scene of a distant sun-rise in a close-up shot.

And about one of the oldest historical and literary doubts of Tamil ancestry. Does a women’s hair have natural fragrance or is it the use of flowers and cosmetics that gives a fragrance? Well who the hell cares? I just simply couldn’t get the amazement off my mind, what kind of a man would have given a thought or two on this.

And a word about me,

I don’t have any problem on how people dress and to bother the least, am not interested enough to rove around or concerned enough to preach sermons on the art of dressing. It’s up to the individual, but definitely all those girly-girly accessories turns me off. The Bangling bangles, the glittering giantess ear-droppings, the jingle-jingle junk metal jewels and the list goes on… I really cross my fingers with desperate hope that I meet someone who has a big positive NO to all this. If not, I have to declare that girls don’t turn me on and follow Elton’s path.

An Inbetween P.S: For people who have known me well, If you are reading this, Remember those days, when i have walked with any one of you, all through the shopping malls, Shilparamam, Krishna silks, or the streets of Cross-cut, Opnakkara veedhi or Ukaddam. I have endured enough to understand what that attracts a girl more in these shops. I don’t complain and I would never complain. I dedicate this to those, sisters n friends, who made a real man out of me to understand this part of a Girl’s Psyche, Before something comes up. Here I wave my white flage,, Truce Dears…

Jewellery and Marriages,

A wedding is a typical place where women put on a best show to display (Show off???) their August Austentine metals. Dressed in silk saris, promised to easily weigh a quarter of the person’s weight. I’m pitifully reminded of elephants in the Thrissur Pooram. The sight simply sickens me for no reasons. I scan the place thoroughly to spot a human in the crowd. Rarely, I come across one in the maddening crowd. One can see different kinds of people in such places. The Have’s as well as Have not’s. I crumble inside with the thought of how the rich people establish a maximum inequality in their favor by their grandeur appearance. Appearances are always deceptive, not just appearances, but everything of them.

Are women and gold made for each-other? Advertisements that show women easily getting married because of the jewels don’t show the latter Half, the Truth where it is understood that men were after the gold and not the girl. Is it the grace or the gold that determines the women’s quality? In Tamil as they say, Punnagaya Ponnagaya? Does gold hold any significance in weddings? May be wedding talked in terms of market value holds some(Like the groom), But Like gold, do grooms hold any investment value or re-sale value?

Life together is more than a one-day grand show. As Sparks tells, “Planning a wedding can take months.But planning a marriage takes a life-time.”It is just the egotistical instinct of us. What will others think if I get my child married in a simple manner? At times, we live for others. Totally in a wrong way, not the life meant for others, but making sure that others make a good commentary on us. To make us great, we put up a show to make a fool of ourselves. Living together is more than a mere day show. As Morrie says, “For one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel Good about themselves. We’re teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it. Create your own…”

Marriage just requires the presence of two consenting individuals. What else can be a great requirement? As a law-abiding citizen, I believe in the legality of the marriage. Even the so called holy-thread Mangal sutra is too much for a marriage. But I believe wedding rings make it more romantic, where you give in your hand and take your partner’s in return.(Read it equality) Mangal sutra. Well just talking figuratively, do you really want to bow before him and make a slave out of your self? And remember it’s just a one-sided license.

The greatest “Social institution” of our country is in the brink of disaster. Well honestly, Who cares this in the era of increasing divorces, one-night stands and casual live-in times? Just give it a thought before you enter anywhere.

My Romance with the rail…

It is more than a fantasy to travel, where one can unwind life. A thousand memories recollected from life to relive them. Some most memorable, strange, bad, weird, yet it is memories, that cannot be undone. There is something gracious in the journeys which teaches you the acceptance of memories and the journey called Life.

It was around 8.30 PM, that I boarded my train, bidding my love and short-farewell to dad and mom, I felt a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. Am kind of used to the travel, but honestly the thing that was traumatizing me was the memory.Last time, I left home and was on my way back in the same train. I last met Vipin, We had a small-dinner in the cantonment station. The train was halted for an hour, We talked for a while, a kind of catching up after a long while and I never knew that it will be my last while with him. And there was a kind of a pulling up inside me, I know it still hurts inside. Yet-Life goes on. 

And it was a pleasant surprise to meet Nishanth, His mom cooked me Chicken, Chicken biryani and I know for sure that life is going to be sure like this catching up people on the way to something-else. It is quite good to see them once in a while, The life of the past, the people from the past, the grown-ups a real part of your growing up days.  

And in the dark, sitting by the windows, I look out to the passing by nature to seek a re-assuring smile. I set out to dive into my  own divine universe of contemplation. I think the unthinkable but nothing in particular. And this act helps me to put things past and look at the life passing by, like the scenery outside the window. 

The sights, the lights, the images of the night and the people in his life tells me a story, of which I have no clue.” The inherent urge to know all scares me beyond comfort. I sets my world in the rewind mode and takes a tour back in time to learn from the life I had not lived. I know that I cannot gain control over anything. 

I knew from the sight outside window when I see and regale in the rustic rural of our landscape, the India which is not told and shown, the India which doesn’t shine like the brand India. I, like the millions others travelling by the  window seats of the Indian railways discover the Often-found-but-not-bothered India. A India which only the others can feel exotic about. It all happens inside me with the outside world, mutely witnessing it. I took a book and slowly divulged into it, an easy way to the alternate world. 

The peace-full Potterian me

And then I saw this kid, reading Harry Potter and the chamber of secrets, the last pages, I saw him totally engrossed in the book throughout the travel, standing by the entrance. I was even scared for him, but he was totally into the book. Must be, he was reading it for the first-time. Well, I did remember meeting Neeta, a girl from bangalore, who I had no clue then, that she will be gonna be my best potter-pal. I was like him, reading Harry potter and the Order of phoenix, then. She just casually started a conversation. Soon I was not-so-drooling and closed the book for no better-reasons. We had a thorough heated discussion on Snape. Mind you, Anybody out there, I never thought ill of snape and loved him thoroughly with the same respect I had for Dumbledore. I Trusted Snape as how dumbledore trusted Snape. We somehow come to peace with the other for the sake of our co-travellers and parted our ways with an anger which soon turned out to be the most rewarding experience. For I never met such spirited Potterian till now, the exceptions being me and JB ma’m. 

I was thinking, should I talk with the kid. I hesitated, in spite of knowing that I, no way look like a kidnapper or a child molester. I didnt feel like intruding him when he was in Hogwarts. As Rita akka remarked, I cannot be Nasty like Neeta who just drops in and talks. well I know it is going to be my funeral, when you have read this. Babe, Just listen I didn’t mean it, but just mentioned it. And before I could talk, the train reached the terminal and we had to get down. 

This kid just disappeared. I took an auto, and when I was about to get down, I saw this kid sitting next to me in the same auto, closing the book, with a smile. I stopped, got down and Asked him if he was reading it for the first time, He said yes and he just  watches the HP series movies and now he could no more wait for the sixth movie, so started reading the book. I felt So happy, Happy for him, Happy for me and Happy for JK Rowling… Soemthing that I just cannot contain in me, when I see someone reading HarrY potter. 

                                                       ……………..Potterians of the world unite…………….

The funeral of a smile

Here by, I cordially invite you to the last funeral of the living smile. Well If you haven’t attended one, Please make it possible to attend this without fail. I really wonder that how you would have missed the death and the funeral of a smile all these days, living here. I see at least a dozen everyday. What else can I do than witness the death and the funeral. At times, it is silent like I smile and you don’t see me or ignore and walk past me, sometimes it just takes a word to kill the smile, sometimes the curt ignorance and the silence, which deafens the smile to death. You just walk past, but I prefer to wait and see them die peacefully for I cannot save them.  when I walk, I tread upon the ground carefully not to step on any smile that’s dead or on the ones that are shattered and stripped of life. I don’t wish to hurt them more. I just walk by, but if you can see, I cry silently inside for I knew the pain. Like a smile, Dreams and hopes are the most often killed, by us, unknowingly, rather unwilling to be known. We have perfected them to perfection, that we no longer know that we kill them. I have killed them enough in number already. So I knew. Now I look out longingly at the smiles that have been bloomed for me. I daily walk through the grave-yard called society where smiles, dreams and hopes are brutally killed for they are not violence, but norms of society which every individual should listen to. For they are excluded from the standard defining definition of Violence set by the society… ie You and me

P.S. Previously published as Yeh Dil Maange More… 


Hiatus, Life-a stand-still Race, Books, Friends, Home, Diwali, Lessons & Philosophy, The missed November rain and a lot more for a cozy-catch up…

Can anything be more lively than the life which is lived. I ask this question a thousandth time to me, just to make sure that i still don’t have an answer to it, Well At times, the answer to many questions in life is that there is no answer.

But there are many a re-assurances. I knew that, I learnt it… To all those reader-friends cum family. I owe this. I thank for the moral support. Archu, Uma akka, anu akka, rakesh, Vinesh anna, Vins anna, Nikhil, Mili, Priya a.k.a Supergirl, Preethi anni, Jeevan, Sonu, Ritu chechi, Ani, Raj anna, Thanks a ton for staying with the Jobless blog and the wonderful words of comfort. I pray for the strength.

I knew that I’m completely broke when I enter a Bookshop, be it emotionally or financially and that too for a bookphile like me, words just cannot describe the plethora of emotions I go through in me when I’m in a bookshop. From excitement to anxiety, near faintness when I get hold of a book. The joy which cannot contain itself it in me blooms itself into a mischievous knowing smile that I smile inside me. The empty feeling knowing that I’m broke just disappears when I know that I’m in a place surrounded with books. It is not just books, but more to it. A place where the righteous part of me rightfully belongs to. A place that can violently turn into an invisible dagger, which stabs me peacefully with a painful guilt. Wish I can freeze time, so that I can afford to spend a chunk of my life in reading. The Knowing joy that I’m gonna indulge is all the more intoxicating.

What can be done about late assignments? They’re already late. I seek an extension for a submission of an assignment, which should have been submitted last Tuesday. With all due respects, I got an extension till Friday i.e weekend (I consider Friday as weekends which exclusively ends on the eve of Tuesday for me).Considering the fact that Sunday is an holiday and I cannot hand over the paper in person, I naturally have to do that on Monday, which happens to be Diwali back home, I stay back to regale in the regional festival. And Tuesday happens to be Diwali in Andhra plus a local holiday, which pushes me unceremoniously to submit the paper on Wednesday. With all this it just happens to be late by a day. Well now you understand my logic of working and deadlines. Life is made simpler.

There is no downpour here. It looks like a summer, rather feels like summer in the broad daylight and the temperature drops to freeze you at night. No November rain here, only the academic November pain, the last minute rush to call the semester off. I wish for a vacation now. Anybody out there feeling the same. Join the club.

People knew me well. If they thought I had enough and spoke enough. The one obvious question to put me off is, Baratha! What happened to your blog? I knew I had been quite for a long while. But I never intend to be. Well Logged in.
“Barath! wru, drop in our school. Need to talk wid u, reg the docu. C u in 10 mins. Cm fst na.”
“can u cm here n gimme the key.”
“hey u free na, we need to talk abt our proj.”
“chaai kudika poovama?”
well all I could do was. “Yours obediently, Main hoon naa.”

I badly wanna go home. See some tons of missed out movies, leisurely lay back at home, be with puppy, blog till my heart’s content, read n read n read n write. Take a neva-ending vacation, meet grannies, be at the place where I loved and longed to be. Meet people, only the ones who can bring a smile in my face. Go deaf to all others. I wish I can live a life like this at least for a short while. I wish that I could really wish.

Anna moved to Bangalore, appa still doesn’t mind my frequent indulging in books, which means I can indulge more, I learnt that one bad !dea leads to another good !dea. I still didn’t inform many about my recent change from !dea to BSNL. Nik n chundha left to UK. Nishu is quite okay. I seem to be lost in oblivion. Ankit got a new bike. It’s going to be a month that me, adil n winny boy had ice cream ceremoniously (read it three dogs fighting over a family pack). I joined face book. I still haven’t watched dark knight. Annil doesn’t write poems anymore, I don’t talk anything other than CAT to raul, Abbyyy and archu, raj, karthik, sonu and mano are not writing regularly here. Mano missed his train that day. I realized that I didn’t have any crush for the last two months. Met karthik here in Hyderabad after a long time. I still didn’t call up navin anna. I didn’t post that letter still. No signs of fellow ship in the near future. Met diviya at last here in hyderabad itself. Singer senior anna and Psycho-sisters have been out of contact for a long-while. Its Thalai Deepavali for joy anna and janani akka. Does reading of Diwali special editions count under diwali celebrations. Do I have a diwali? I don’t GTalk properly when I’m online.

I plan to write more, but before that Two Term papers, Two presentations, A research project on blogs, a documentary, an exam, semester finals, Some unkempt promises, some broken words and hearts to be mended and put to heal, a wedding to be witnessed, and things to be considered, a past to be shut-out, an effortlessly effort ensured to move-on, a life to live and the side-effects to be experienced. With all this I type this blog post at an unearthly hour making sure that I start my term paper right after this. Take care. Life beckons……

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That week This year

Well, First and foremost! this post is an exclusive post where I’m gonna ramble, babble, rant and rave, if possible rot away to glory! Do excuse me, ! many would be disappointed, Sorry guys! Life takes me at times, And I just couldnt resist it.. Between all this , I acknowledge my Thanks to Fantasies of Life time for tagging me. That comes next and Thoughts and scribbles for her post. Well Here I ramble…

The maddening hectic week
Have I got anything in me that makes me work! It would be an irony to tell that Jobless works! but believe me my folks, I did work, also I loved it, It gets into me and I dont have time for anything else… Honestly Who cares! but I didn’t read anything throughout the week and that really puts me off, I easily get worn out!!! It was fun to work on assignments, documentaries, Proposals (???), Treatments, deadlines.. Life with deadlines is no dead, Trust me The fun is immense in that, and that too, to be blessed like me with Lovely teamies… It is indeed fun to work….

You have got a mail…
Tell you something. “You have got a mail.” This is something that one shouldn’t tell someone like me who is obessed with snail mails. I thought I was re-visiting those joyful days, when someone told me that they saw a letter for me in the campus post-office. “I saw a letter, addressed to you.” Oh! God the post office closes by 5 and its 5.30 I have to wait and tomorrow is sunday!! One more day to wait. First thing on monday, went to the PO. The post man didnt arrive yet, thought would check out in my office, No! not to be seen , the post man will be here by 2. “Ji, any letters for Barath?” “Nahin saab”. God!!! What followed was a sad tale, Three days visited the PO and enquired, No letters for you, If at all anything, we would drop it in the office, The other day I got a courier, which someone else collected on my behalf! would the same happened with the letter?
what if the postman dropped it in another school, instead of mine.. It happens sometimes.. Well In between all this, I met the guy who told me that I had a mail.. He wasn’t sure whether the letter was addressed to Barath of communications dept. Hell with it! why should be there only one Barath throughout the campus of 10k people!!! Forget it… I also called some people who had the remotest of possiblities of writing a letter !!!

Guy 1: Barath, you think I have time to write and post, I call you na..
Guy 2: you’re crazy dude!!!
Guy 3: Hey! But I forwaded the alumini letter to your home address.
Guy 4: @$%# you, Do people write???
Forget it guys!!! After a week, I got a letter thru a friend’s friend who had dutifully collected the letter for me only to see that it was a letter addressed to Barath of another dept, who had been hunting for the mail for a week, I returned that to him propmptly…I learnt there is also Joy in Giving letters…, not just receiving

Just the Crazy!!!
1) I was a bit on and off and all the more communication retarded!!! Dad, mom and anna couldn’t reach me, anna got a friend’s number from my roommate and passed the no. to dad,
At around 11.30 at night there was a call to my friend’s no. I saw the no and passed on the mobile to her. she answered the call and passed the phone back to me.
The person on the phone: “This is dad.”
Me : “Well. Whose dad”
The person on the phone who happened to be my dad: ?!!?

2) If someone waves at you and when your both hands are busy holding something, the best way would be to smile to acknolwedge them, Not to try any coffee cup tactics like Jyothika in Kakka Kakka, only to shower yourself with Hot coffee..

3) College Ids card, Petrol cards DON”T work in ATM machines.

4) Never would I indulge in any lingustic adventures like, trying to teach malayalam to any Thick accented people, “what do you tell bol in malayalam”. “Its pa ra.” Well Just imagine what a thick accented voice would have pronounced the word like.. I don’t want to get rusticated from my campus on any account of making sexist remarks by any hard-core feminist groups of the campus followed by a trail with ASHI, ASHA or CASH..

5) I’m unemployed, Literally Jobless. The only employment is me being a son, So next time No unneccessary details to annoy my boss… This works well… DAD, NO MONEY. SEND MONEY.

With all this life goes on…
Suddenly life turned all beautiful and My life is happening, Well The only thing happening in life is Life.. Morning rush hours, Stopping to grab a bite, endless chais, The mad doodles, Readings, sitting under the mother nature, ruminations, reflections, Falling in love (with) documentaries, Movies, Music, Books… The Missing magic of sharing, well there’s always lot more to talk.

I walk through the long paths at nights with the lamp posts, who are well now my good friends, everynight as i return back to my hostel at 1 or 2, I do have conversations with them, whose life is laid-back and a one meant to listen and observe people, How beautiful is this life, Life-another day in paradise.

At last!!!
When the deadlines are dead, shootings shot, Proposals proposed, defence defended. Yeah!!!
Now I know the night is waiting for me, I reach my room, clean up the mess, Fix a drink, plug in my music, Search for my “Srirangathu Devadhaigal.” and about to give into the Night. My Mobile rings, God who on earth would call me now!!! 2.45 am. I see the name, a smile creeps into me, I answer with a twinkle, ” Hulllllooooo!!!” before I could now, an hour passed. We were talking about Harry Potter, He just happened to read HP, and been magically swept by it and now down with the 4th book, I no more feel tired, Well HP does the magic.. And suddenly there’s another Voice greeting, “Happy morning, Barath!” Well Guys we were in a conference call, and the other friend just joined us after an hour break,, Reminded of those days of conference call, where any no from 8 to 13 easily conferences… Three people smitten by potter talking about the magic at the dawn of earth.. Can Life be more beautiful?

“Well Barath, am tired, you guys talk da.. I’ll sleep for a while.” And It easily continues with my briefing him on the background, interesting inside storeis, and everything of Potter.” The call got disconnected, Followed by a message, “Da machaan, Battery over, call you later, Sleep tight 😉 ” Its 6 30 in the morning! am not in a mood to sleep, It has been drizzling all night.. I step out of my hostel, The early morning joggers, few old people walking. There was a freshness in the morning! I walk along the trees, then sit on a small rock under the tree, staring at the small pool of water. Suddenly I remember, ” I do miss talking with him, these days.”

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Happy Birthday Blog.

I know that i am Destined to write. A year went with a yearning for my blogging memories. It must have started with A faded star and The forever letter of gratitude. On and off, i was regular and irregular. Looking back, i could well see how I’d been through my journey.

I should be less thankful and more grateful to you, for you’ve been the sole reason for my going on. Yes it is you, my reader, for your patience with my words and thoughts. Those comments and criticisms, appreciations and encouragements, those pats and praises, the inputs and insights shared and experienced. It certainly sounds vulgar when i just tell a thank you. (Courtesy acknowledged) and honestly I promise to keep this chain going.

For my readers, i would like to tell this bit of information, what i write is not alone what I’m and what i don’t write is not what I’m not. I strive to strike a balance. As Sartre says, “And since the freedom of the author and reader seek and affect each other through a world, it can just as well be said that the author’s choice of a certain aspect of the world determines the reader and, vice versa, that it is by choosing his reader that the author decides upon his subject.” I choose to defy this. As i greatly believe in this thought of mine, “For a reader picks up his writer, and not the other way round.”

And the same old promise, that I’ll keep writing more and to others I promise to read more and more as how some of my friends feel that there is a lagging in the reader me.

An excerpt from my favorite previous post, “I know People, like, hate, despise or feign liking my writing .Honestly I can’t help it. But I owe a lot to everyone who has been a source of constant encouragement and support. I kindly expect that they continue the same for I knew that it is in their kind nature to be so. Also I warmly welcome any suggestions, but certainly don’t ask me to stop writing, for I also knew that some people will much appreciate that effort of mine more. Yet it is a pure blissful pain to write, a kind of pain that I love to inflict much on me. I knew for myself that it is my insanity that keeps me writing. My thoughtless thoughts have somehow evolved through the year, which also makes me feel complete when I write. It has also helped me to grow up with my reading too. I read enough to write. Also I write enough so that I can still read.”

It means a lot to me when people (known and unknown) grant me permission or give me liberty to share some of their and our stories and experiences. I thank them whole-heartedly. With all this, I wish my Blog a very happy birthday. “Babe, you mean a lot to me.” I thank My Musings for keeping me faithfully fit with enough inspirations.

My one definite pick for the reader of mine as my blog’s birthday gift would be “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom. A definite vegetable soup for every soul. Here’s a review by a fellow blogger for you.

P.S. I thank my friend Manoj for this little favour. You made my day, Minko

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